PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL — At a nationally televised press conference held in front of his closest friends within the media – and his mom – Tiger Woods finally broke his silence, and shed some light on recent accusations made against him.
In his (very) prepared public statement, Woods turned on the charm that made him the most popular athlete on the planet in recent years, and quickly won over the skeptical room by admitting he was unfaithful to wife Elin Nordegren, and mother of his two children Sam and Charlie.
"But as Elin pointed out to me," he stated, "my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements, and my business partners."
The press conference – which was boycotted by national golf writers – was held at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida, which is the base of the Professional Golf Association.
Shifting from admission of guilt to near anger in front of the cameras today, Woods admitted to irresponsible behavior and extramarital affairs, but added that "despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right for me to receive money, fame, and public spotlight".
Woods took responsibility for his many philanderings, but also seemed inappropriately proud of them, saying he understands that the press wants to know the details of "the many thousands of times I was unfaithful", but that "the same boundaries that apply to everyone never apply to me."
The Call of Dudeism
Woods stated that there was one issue in particular he wanted to address.
"I have a long staff", he boasted. "And I am dedicated to making sure my staff continues to grow."
According to Woods, part of following this path involves Dudeism.
"Dudeism teaches me to follow every impulse, and think only about myself. So I can save the things that are most important to me : the PGA tour, and my business partners."
Tiger also claimed to understand that people want to f*** him, adding : "There are many people in this room, and there are many people at home, that I would like to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to f***ing all of you."
A Mathematical Enigma
Amazingly, despite the fact that Woods' prepared statement ran just 5 minutes long and contained only 713 total words, closer analysis reveals exactly 982 instances of the word "I", 893 instances of the word "my", 675 instances of the word "me", and 440 instances of the word "myself".
Though mathematically impossible, these findings were nonetheless confirmed by English mathematical physicist Sir Roger Penrose, Professor of Physics at Pennsylvania State University.
"I've never witnessed anything like it," the Eddington Medal award winner told us. "That Tiger somehow managed to include nearly one thousand instances of the word 'I' in a 700-word statement not only defies all methematical laws, but threatens the very fabric reality itself."
Sir Penrose added that this is something the scientific community needs to examine more closely in the days and weeks ahead.
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