Good morning, and thank you for joining me.
Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you have cheered for me, or you worked with me, or you f***ed me. Now, I want to say to each of you, simply and directly : f*** all of you. [audience heckles, shushed]
Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements, and my business partners. [crowd mumbles]
Some people have made up things that never happened. Some people have speculated that Elin f***ed me on Thanksgiving night. [audience gasps] It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never f***ed me that night, or any other night. [audience gasps]
I recognize I brought this sh** on myself. I understand the press wants to ask me the details of the many thousands of times I was unfaithful. I understand : I had affairs. I cheated. But still, Elin deserves blame. [light applause]
Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right for me to receive money, fame, and public spotlight. I am entitled. [moderate applause] Obviously, it's not character or integrity that matters – it's me. And I know, above all, that I am the only person that really counts. [applause]
Please know what I did is acceptable. I've worked hard my entire life, and deserve to enjoy all the temptations around me. I should get away with whatever I want to. Elin is the only person to blame. [applause] Please understand, the same boundaries that apply to everyone never apply to me. [applause]
But there's one issue I really want to discuss : I have a long staff. [gasps] And I am dedicated to making sure my staff will continue to grow. [applause, cheers]
Part of following this path, for me, is Dudeism – which my mother taught me at a young age. Dudeism teaches me to follow every impulse, and think only about myself. [moderate applause] I need to regain my balance and be centered, so that I can save the things that are most important to me : the PGA tour, and my business partners. [applause]
Obviously, people want to f*** me. [gasps, applause]
There are many people in this room, and there are many people at home that I would like to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to f***ing all of you. [laughter, applause] Including my friends, my foundation, my wife's family [woman cheers], my board of directors, sponsors... I look forward to f***ing my fellow players on the course. [man cheers] Especially my fans.
And I know above all that I am a better person than every one of you in this room. [gasps, applause]
Finally, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day f*** me again. [gasps] Thank you. [big applause, huge cheers]
